12 steps to the doorway

I don't know if it's just because I've been feeling so lonely lately, but I was listening to this song in the car this morning and I suddenly burst into tears... Not leaving is a promise we definitely cannot make, isn't it? I'm so very tired of hoping for things to be different... I feel like I needed to be somebody else when I realize I'm once again wanting what I don't (and maybe cannot) have. God and I know how much I've struggled to do what would be best for everyone. I've been hurt so bad that just the thought of hurting somebody else truly kills me. Unfortunately, however, I won't be able to cope with this part of my life for much longer. My heart is aching and I keep having to deal with the price I'll pay for each choice I decide to make. No one can save me from my own choices. Yesterday I heard something interesting: "the key to happiness is pessimism". In other words, when it comes to expecting, just keep it low, buddy. Well, putting things this way, I might have no money for a while, or maybe I'll leave my comfortable and predictable life for a world of sexism, lack of hope and (what would be a real punch in my stomach) no true love, companionship and commitment. At all. Such possibility consumes me to a point it's hard to breathe. I was born to live love fully, to feel alive and complete with that other person standing close to me. I'm sorry to say that I can't (and don't want to) change my life by myself. I know sharing a life is not exactly easy, but how come it has to be so hard? Does this mean I have to settle down and forget about how it would feel to change things for the better? I don't have the money to eat, pray and love somewhere else and I honestly can't tell if I'll have the guts to go through with this. The one thing I know is that life's damn hard, but we gotta live it. I gotta live it. No more lies, right? Even though, up to this point, I've made myself believe it was all true.